Archive for the Now That’s Some Funny Shit Category

An Arab Enters A Taxi……….

Posted in Now That's Some Funny Shit on March 27, 2012 by The Blonde

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel’s and certainly no radio ……..

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: “What are you doing man?”

The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.
So get out and wait for a camel.”

 

 

Thanks Lynelle

I’m Not Old

Posted in Now That's Some Funny Shit on March 24, 2012 by The Blonde

Jacked from a friend on Facebook

R.I.P Cleaning Fairy

Posted in Now That's Some Funny Shit on March 11, 2012 by The Blonde

I jacked this image from one of my Mom’s friends on her Facebook page, pretty damn funny. 

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

Posted in Now That's Some Funny Shit on March 6, 2012 by The Blonde

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt!’ Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt,’ you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

 

Thanks Donna

Doctors

Posted in Now That's Some Funny Shit, Political on February 26, 2012 by The Blonde

A doctor from France says: “In France , the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work.

“The German doctor comments: “That’s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person’s head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.”

A Russian doctor says: “That’s nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person’s chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.”

The U.S. doctor answers immediately: “That’s nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us….in the USA.  About 2 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls….we made him President of the United States, and now the whole damn country is looking for work.

 

Thanks Lynelle


Jack Daniels Fishing Story

Posted in Now That's Some Funny Shit on February 16, 2012 by The Blonde

I  went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.  Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good  bass bait.
Knowing the  snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him  right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.  
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting  bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little  whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released   him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the  frog.
A little later,  I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.

Thanks Lynelle

The Amish Are Non-Violent People

Posted in Now That's Some Funny Shit on February 7, 2012 by The Blonde
An Amish Farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.
The Amish Farmer shouts: “Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Khe und die Schweine haben hineingeschissen!”
Which means: “Don’t drink the water, the cows and pigs have shit in it!”
The man shouts back: “I’m a Muslim, I don’t understand your gibberish. Speak English, Infidel!”
The Amish Farmer shouts back in English: “Use two hands, you’ll get more!”
Thanks Donna

No Guns

Posted in Now That's Some Funny Shit on February 3, 2012 by The Blonde

Thanks Larry

Winter is Here…..

Posted in Now That's Some Funny Shit on February 2, 2012 by The Blonde

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border.
He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling.
The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Thanks Lynelle

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational

Posted in Now That's Some Funny Shit on January 31, 2012 by The Blonde

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

 

Thanks Kathy

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